Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. Recently, friends of ours had a miscarriage at ten weeks. Other friends had a baby, but this baby was born with a chromosomal defect and his prognosis is a few days, to a few weeks to live. Through my tears of sadness, God keeps bringing this constant refrain to mind: "He gives and takes away...Lord blessed be your name."

I don't know why God chooses to give the gift of a child to some and not others. I also don't know why he gives that gift to some, and then takes it away. All I know is that I cannot make sense of any of these things unless I cling tightly to the truth that He is wise and good and in control.

I am constantly reminded that Zoe is a gift from God and that she is not my own. There are days when my heart wells up with such a love for her that I simply cannot contain it. I feel so privileged to be her mom and to have the opportunity to love and care for her. I sometimes wonder how I would respond if God chose to take her from us. Though I don't like to dwell on thoughts like that, I pray that I would so know the love and goodness of God in my own heart and be able to lift up his name in praise, no matter what he allows to pass in our lives or Zoe's life.

Being a parent has changed me, already. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love Zoe. I never realized how much having a child would move me to trust God in new ways. It's true that the more you have, the more you have to lose. I don't want to walk around constantly afraid of losing the good blessings and gifts God has given me. At the same time, I want to remember that I don't deserve any of the good gifts he has given me. It is his prerogative to "take away" as much as it is his prerogative to give.

There is a song that brings me to tears every time I hear it. It is a powerful reminder that sometimes God chooses to tear the very gifts he's given us from our lives, leaving us to cling to and hope in his promises like never before. It also reminds me that when he does so, he provides his arms to hold us, assuring us of his love in the midst of the unthinkable.