Grandma

My mom came to visit for a few days this past week and we had a lot of fun. Zoe was on especially good behavior. She really loves her grandma! It was so neat to see my mom interact with Zoe and enjoy her. It's quite obvious that she loves her a ton and would do anything for her. What a blessing! During the trip I helped my mom figure out how to use her new digital camera! It took the birth of her first grandchild to inspire mom to go digital and she is so happy about it! I think she snapped away about 300 shots during the few days she was here. I posted many of those shots in Week 13 so check them out!

New Pics

Week 13 pictures are up!

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. Recently, friends of ours had a miscarriage at ten weeks. Other friends had a baby, but this baby was born with a chromosomal defect and his prognosis is a few days, to a few weeks to live. Through my tears of sadness, God keeps bringing this constant refrain to mind: "He gives and takes away...Lord blessed be your name."

I don't know why God chooses to give the gift of a child to some and not others. I also don't know why he gives that gift to some, and then takes it away. All I know is that I cannot make sense of any of these things unless I cling tightly to the truth that He is wise and good and in control.

I am constantly reminded that Zoe is a gift from God and that she is not my own. There are days when my heart wells up with such a love for her that I simply cannot contain it. I feel so privileged to be her mom and to have the opportunity to love and care for her. I sometimes wonder how I would respond if God chose to take her from us. Though I don't like to dwell on thoughts like that, I pray that I would so know the love and goodness of God in my own heart and be able to lift up his name in praise, no matter what he allows to pass in our lives or Zoe's life.

Being a parent has changed me, already. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love Zoe. I never realized how much having a child would move me to trust God in new ways. It's true that the more you have, the more you have to lose. I don't want to walk around constantly afraid of losing the good blessings and gifts God has given me. At the same time, I want to remember that I don't deserve any of the good gifts he has given me. It is his prerogative to "take away" as much as it is his prerogative to give.

There is a song that brings me to tears every time I hear it. It is a powerful reminder that sometimes God chooses to tear the very gifts he's given us from our lives, leaving us to cling to and hope in his promises like never before. It also reminds me that when he does so, he provides his arms to hold us, assuring us of his love in the midst of the unthinkable.

Fists of Fury

I've mentioned before that Zoe is a feisty one. You've seen the picture of the swaddle blanket escape. Well this feistiness is further demonstrated by something else - her fists. These fists have earned her the nickname "Rocky." Our little girl, ever the fighter, looks like she's ready to beat the living daylights out of you on occasion. Right now it's cute, bordering on scary. Don't let that adorable dress and girly headband deceive you. She is a feisty one, through and through.

Thoughts on Sinful Anger, Part 1

I've decided that though this blog will feature all the latest and greatest adorable things Zoe does, I'd also love to share a bit of my own thoughts and how God is changing and challenging me through being a mom. After all, I do think about more than just diapers and spit up all day! So, along the way, I will post insights or encouragement from Scripture, books, friends, etc, in order to chronicle a bit of my own journey right now. Today will be the first of such posts.

The other day I did a topical study through Proverbs on sinful anger. It was convicting and challenging. For now, here is one scripture God used to speak to me and how I've thought about it in the context of marriage and parenting:

Proverbs 12:4 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness to his bones."

Shaming your husband is bad enough, but shaming your child is worse. My husband can call me out on my sinful responses to him, but my child cannot. To shame someone is to disgrace them, guilt them, humiliate them. Often times shaming and manipulation go hand in hand. It is a way to emotionally control people to serve our own purpose, without regard for their well-being. If I'm honest, I have to admit that there have been times in my marriage where I've attempted to "guilt" Uche into the kind of behavior I desire from him. This is both wrong and ungodly. Sadly, I know that if I do this with Uche, I certainly am not immuned from doing it to my own children.

Proverbs aptly describes the consequences of this type of behavior - a wife becomes like "rottenness" to her husband's bones. What a powerful image. When I think of something that is rotten, I think of a horrible stench, something utterly disgusting and gross, something completely unhealthy. To be "like rottenness" to my husband is to have him cringe to be around me, for my presence is so completely destructive and unhealthy to his soul. Who would want to be that kind of presence to their family? I'm sure that most people, including myself, don't sit back and think about how they might shame their loved ones and become utterly disgusting to them. Unfortunately, I think we just sort of ease into it, not fully realizing how we might end up hurting those we love the most, all because we are too busy clinging to our own selfish desires. This is a challenge for me. Though I'm sure Uche would say that I am nowhere near "like rottenness to his bones," if I'm not careful to examine my own heart and behavior, I might one day be!

An excellent wife is a godly person who pleases God by bringing blessing and life, not destruction and death, to her family. I want Zoe to grow up in a family environment of love, truth and grace, instead of bitterness, manipulation and guilt. This requires a work of God in my heart (and Uche's) to undo learned, sinful behavior, and to teach us how to live in ways that glorify his righteous character.

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through...the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." (1 Thess 5:23-24)

First Kiss

Friends from Louisville visited us last week. Little 10 month old Caleb got fresh with Zoe. It was her first kiss from a member of the opposite sex who she could potentially date one day. She seemed to enjoy it, as demonstrated by the smile on her face. For now, it's adorable. We'll have to work on a different kind of appropriate response for the future. :)

Best Buds

Lately Zoe has been really loving on Uche. This is a joy to see! It's not that she didn't smile for him before, but suddenly she smiles for him ALL THE TIME! It's clear that she recognizes his voice and becomes quite happy when he's near. I'm thankful for this. I think it can be tough on dads. It's so easy for moms to win over a baby's affections because of their 24-hour-a-day presence, as well as the breastfeeding connection, and of course, the nine-months-inside-mommy bond that can never be broken. It makes me happy to see Zoe enjoy her daddy so much, and to see Uche receive some reciprocal love from her. I can't wait to see this relationship develop as she gets older.

O Happy Day

In an effort to motivate myself away from fine tasty treats and back to the world of exercising and weight control, I tried on my old pre-pregnancy jeans. The last time I did this was a few weeks after Zoe was born. Big mistake. I wanted to cry as I realized I couldn't even button them. So sad. I decided I wouldn't rush to do that again. I'm home most of the time anyway, and Uche and Zoe don't seem to mind my sweats.

Today, however, I decided that I should try them on again, and that even if I couldn't button them, it would only help serve as a motivator to get back into shape! Well, I tried them on and was pleasantly surprised that they actually fit! I never thought buttoning a pair of jeans would be cause for such rejoicing, but alas, it is. YAY for breastfeeding and the ease of shedding those pounds! I still have much work to do to get myself back into shape, but it was encouraging nonetheless.

Happy Birthday Grandma

Two birthdays in one week! Exciting! When mommy started getting me all dressed up again, I knew something was up! Happy Birthday Grandma! I wish we lived closer to you so that I could give you lots of birthday snuggles and cuddles. I will have to save them for when you visit. Mommy tells me you're coming again very soon! I think you really like me, Grandma, because this will be the third time you've visited me since I've been born! WOW! I feel special!

I'm a very different baby than I was the last two times you saw me. I smile a lot and even giggle once in a while. I also love to make squeaky high-pitched sounds when I'm happy. I'm happy a lot more these days, Grandma. Mommy says it's because I've grown up a lot. I can't wait to show you what a big girl I am now!

Grandma, thanks for loving me so much. When I was first born, you would rock me to sleep and love on me, even when I cried a lot, but you always calmed me down. I love you, Grandma. Have a great day!

Raffy

I love giraffes. I especially love giraffe stuffed animals. I don't know what it is about them, but they are just so fun and adorable. Zoe has three, I think. My favorite one has been affectionately named Raffy. (we're so original, aren't we?!)

If I'm honest, I'll admit that I'm kind of pushing Raffy as a top runner for Zoe's favorite stuffed animal. She seems to respond well to him and always smiles when she sees his face, though it could just be because it's the main face, other than ours, that she interacts with. (my doing, again...) I'm open to other stuffed animal friends, but I just really want her to love Raffy. I'm a crazy mama.

First Nose Pick?

Zoe loves putting her hands in her mouth these days and just sucking away. Yesterday, in the process, she ended up sticking a finger up her nose. I'm not quite sure if this constitutes the first official nose pick since it wasn't exactly intentional, but I couldn't resist posting the pic.

Squeaky Zo

"If you're happy and you know it, smile and squeak..."

(oh yeah, and poop, too)

Regression...or Not?

Last week I was convinced that things had regressed and gone downhill. It was a bad week. Suddenly Zoe needed to be held more often, wasn't sleeping much, and would routinely burst into a spazzy crying fit in the later evenings which we could do nothing about. It was miserable. We took her to the doctor - no ear infection, no sickness. We got through the week and hoped it would simply get better. And it has.

The past five days have been incredible. Zoe has done so well. A first this week has been putting her down while she is basically awake (but noticeably tired) and allowing her to fall asleep on her own. We've had success 90% of the time which is shocking but makes me so happy. I'm hoping and praying that we have (finally) turned a corner with her sleeping issues and that this pattern will continue.(is that wishful thinking?)

It's neat to be getting to know my daughter now. I love that I'm learning her patterns, her sleep signals, and what her various cries mean. I guess, like any relationship, time and experience are valuable tools. I feel like I am able to be a much better mother to her now that I actually understand what she needs and wants from me. And that is exciting! I'm happy to be able to respond appropriately, rather than be confused as to how to best meet her needs.

I've also been thinking about how uniquely a parent really KNOWS their child. You hear parents say all the time that so-and-so has "been like that since she was a baby." I'm starting to see that certain parts of our personality really do shine through at even such a young age, and that in many ways, our parents know us better than anyone else does. At the same time, however, I'm realizing how easy it can be to just assume, as her mother, that I ALWAYS know exhaustively what Zoe feels/needs/wants. This may be something I need to guard against as she matures, as I can foresee how my assumptions might end up isolating her from me. I need to remember that though I may know Zoe in a certain way and context, I won't always know her exhaustively, especially as she gets older. I'll really need to respect her individuality enough and give her freedom to grow, change and develop into the woman God forms her to be. That's a challenge, but an exciting one to me. To a certain extent I will always KNOW her, but to another extent, I will always need to GET to know her better, too, and allow her to show and tell me who she is. I look forward to that.

Happy Birthday Uncle Ebube

Dear Uncle Ebube,

When I woke up this morning, mommy told me it was your birthday! I didn't understand what that meant at first, and when I asked why I was getting all dressed up, she said it was because birthdays were special. She told me all about how God made you just the way you are and that there has never been, and there never will be, another you! She also told me about how people get to eat lots of cake and ice cream on birthdays and I was getting SO excited! Then she reminded me that I need to wait until I'm a big girl to enjoy those treats. I can't wait!

Even though I haven't met you yet, I still love you. Mommy says you are fun and love to play with little kids like me. I can't wait to meet you in a few weeks! I promise I'll be playful and I'll try my best not to cry too much. Sometimes I can be a little high strung and I need lots of love and attention. I hope you'll still love me even if I scream in your face. Don't take it personally if I do. I do it to mommy and daddy all the time and they've pretty much gotten used to me by now and love me anyway.

When I asked mommy how old you were, I couldn't believe her response! I started to get really upset because I thought that maybe they wouldn't let people your age on airplanes and I was afraid I might not get to meet you. But mommy told me not to worry about silly things like that and that you would be here no matter what. Phew! I can't wait!

Happy Birthday Uncle E!

Priceless

Again, old video, but worth the post.

All Smiles

This was from a few weeks ago, when Zoe was first starting to smile.

Happy Smiles for Daddy

This is from a few weeks ago (can you tell I'm just NOW learning how to upload video?)

Tummy Time

At Zoe's last visit to the pediatrician, the doctor commented on how strong her neck muscles are and how she has great control of her head. We've been trying to be intentional about tummy time. If she's well fed and in a good mood, it usually goes over well (at least for about 20 minutes or so - then she gets the crazies). Most of the time she simply loves to lie on her tummy and suck her fist. It's really adorable, actually. I think she is just starting to discover her hands and how much fun they can be. It's amazing how much entertainment they provide for her these days. Here's a picture of happy Zoe during tummy time.

A Looker

I just love this shot of my girl. What a looker. :)

New Pictures, Finally

With last week being so busy, I didn't get a chance to upload new pictures, but I've finally done it. Check the sidebar for weeks 9 and 10. Sorry for the delay!

Meeting the Mains

We have known the Mains for ten years now which is hard to believe. Megan was just a baby when they moved to Toronto. All of us worked on staff with Campus Crusade together. I ended up living next door to them while I was in St Louis for seminary. Brian (a pastor), performed our wedding ceremony. Beth is one of my best friends. Their family is the closest thing to family that I've had nearby since living away from my own. I love them dearly.

One thing I especially love about the Mains is that they are always willing and ready to jump in the van and drive anywhere and everywhere to visit us! Not everyone would do that, especially while toting three kids around! This past week they visited us for a few days and had the chance to meet Zoe. It was awesome to see some of my best friends play with and love on my daughter. It was also incredible to see Megan, Joey and Katelyn holding MY little girl while at the same time remembering playing with them and holding them when they were just as small. It was a refreshing visit and we are so thankful for them.

Thanks for loving us so well and coming to visit Mains. We love you guys!

Feisty One

Zoe is a feisty one. She's definitely a little fighter. This part of her personality is me, I think. Though she hates being swaddled when she is awake enough to realize what we are doing to her, she sleeps MUCH better (and therefore, longer) with it. So, as long as she's in a sleepy state, we are good to go. Sometimes we prematurely try to swaddle her - either because we think she is already in that partial sleep state, or we are simply impatient. The result is what we walked in on the other day. One sock. Hand free. One leg kicking its way out. She was simply a mess. Even though she was crying for us to rescue her from the shackles, it was funny nonetheless.

Easter Pic

This was the pants outfit from Easter. So cute, but not as cute as the dress. Still worth a picture post though.