Two Months Today

It's hard to believe that my little girl is two months old today! I feel like I am just starting to get the hang of this mom thing. I love it, but there is a different challenge from day to day, and it takes some getting used to. I enjoy Zoe most after she is fed, calm, and nuzzled in my shoulder falling asleep. She's so warm and cuddly and is a real snuggle bunny. I know she'll grow out of this before I know it so I'm trying to enjoy it while I can! I also love giving her baths, as it's one of her favorite parts of the day. For some reason, this kid loves the water. She can be irritable and crying, but place her in the bathtub and she is all smiles.

Being a mom has been harder than I thought. I have a whole new respect for my mom, having raised three kids on her own, as well as mothers everywhere who work so hard every moment of every day! It is rewarding, yes, but exhausting! I can't believe I haven't had a good sleep in two months. I used to pull all nighters in college and seminary fairly frequently and always seemed to bounce back soon enough. Not so, now. There is certainly something to be said of collective sleep deprivation and the effect it has on your body. After two months, I really don't know when or how I will ever catch up! For someone who needs a good 8 hours of sleep, this has been quite difficult for me. Poor Uche has had to deal with a whole new irritable Mel! Seriously, I have found myself apologizing to him again and again for my moodiness - often times there is no real reason except that I am just plain pooped.

Being a mom has also challenged me in the area of needing to be able to control things. Suddenly my life feels very chaotic and out of control. I can't predict Zoe's behavior or mood from day to day, let alone her sleep patterns. I can't control that there are dishes in the sink that need to be washed, an apartment that needs to be straightened up, laundry waiting to be done, people to call back, etc. I am home all day and yet still have a larger-than-you-would-expect to-do list. On a good day, I can get to some of those things and feel like I am pulling life together. On a bad day, I am holding little miss fussy Zoe and trying to get her to sleep, or eat, or stop crying, etc. You get the picture. It has only been two months but already God is using Zoe to take me out of my comfort zone and change me. There is a little 9 pound baby in my life who now takes center stage to dishes or laundry. And as much as I want to be a "perfect" wife, mother and homemaker, I am realizing that I can't do it all. This is both anxiety-producing and freeing at the same time. Right now God has called me to take care of this little girl, first and foremost. If that means some of these other things get pushed aside for later or tomorrow, then I need to be ok with that and recognize that Zoe is my first priority - even if that means I have to hold her all day long because she is being a fuss-pot.

This takes me to one more area the mommy role has stretched me in - selflessness. There's nothing like having a child that makes you realize how selfish you are. Suddenly, I don't have any "me" time. On a good day, I can get a shower in before Uche comes home in the evening. On a bad day, I'll stay in my pajamas until it's time for bed again. My whole life revolves around feeding, burping, changing and rocking Zoe to sleep. This cycle repeats every three hours or so, and by the time it is finished, it's just about ready to start up again. This has been an adjustment, to say the least. There have been times when I've found myself frustrated or resentful. It is hard at times to continually give to someone who can't give back and who also likes to scream very loudly in your face while you're doing it. It is hard to always have to think about someone else first, and not just do what I want to do, when I want to do it. It is hard to be woken up several times in the middle of the night when all you really want to do is sleep. It is hard, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I love my little girl! And I'm thankful that God has chosen to use parenthood to grow and shape me. I know I am in for an incredible ride. I can tell already that, along with marriage, parenthood will be used by God to sanctify me and teach me how to be more like Him. My prayer is that I would be humble and teachable, and allow Him to do so.