Not Your Textbook Nursing Experience

Breastfeeding has not been easy for me. I have been wholeheartedly on board with it since before Zoe was born, but nursing a reflux baby comes with challenges I didn't expect. Every nursing book I've read speaks drippingly (is that a word?) sweet about the mutual bonding experience between baby and mom while breastfeeding. A quick search on-line revealed these typical catch-phrases:

"Breastfeeding is an enjoyable and emotionally beneficial experience mothers share with their infants."

"Breastfeeding requires a mother to take some quiet relaxed time for herself and her baby."

"Breastfeeding can help a mother to bond with her baby. Physical contact is important to newborns and can help them feel more secure, warm and comforted."

"Breastfeeding mothers may have increased self-confidence and feelings of closeness and bonding with their infants."

When I read these words, I simply cannot relate. At least, most of the time I cannot relate. Quiet relaxed time for mother? Not when you're trying to burp a screaming baby who arches her back and wriggles uncontrollably out of what you thought was a firm grasp. Baby feeling more secure, warm and comforted? Let's allow the pictures to speak to that one. Increased self-confidence as a mother? You've got to be kidding me.

Nursing a reflux baby means missing out on some of these more pleasant bonding experiences and becomes simply about doing what I believe is best for my daughter, even if it is not fun for me. Every once in a while, a random feeding will be peaceful, calm and enjoyable for both of us, but those times are few and far between. For now, I'm trying to tough it out (8 times a day) and remember that this too shall pass. I'm sure one day I'll look back on this and laugh, instead of nearly being brought to tears.

There is this face Zoe makes when all is not right in her world that is both pitifully sad and incredibly adorable at the same time. We were finally able to catch it on camera, for all the world to see.